


A Confession of Love

by MelonWing



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Denial of Feelings, Falling In Love, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:27:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25934374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelonWing/pseuds/MelonWing
Summary: Grian wasn’t in love. He wasn’t. He wouldn’t allow himself to fall. He wasn’t ready to be disappointed. He had been disappointed too often. He had let himself fall, believing his crush was also interested, only to fall into a void of sadness. This time he wouldn’t let himself fall. He would keep pretending nothing was wrong. To Ren, he was just like the others. The love confessions to him were nothing special.And he wasn’t in love.Because he had decided he wasn’t.
Relationships: Grian/Rendog
Comments: 18
Kudos: 193





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tunfisken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tunfisken/gifts).



Grian looked down at his communicator, a sad smile playing on his lips. How could he be so happy and sad at the same time? A laugh bubbled up without him being able to hold it back. He wiped a stray tear from his face. This was stupid. He shouldn’t be as emotionally invested in this as he was. Ren was talking to everyone like that. It was just the way he was. Ren loved everyone and in return it was so easy to love him…

And like everyone, Grian had told him that much countless times. He had sent Ren so many ‘I love you’s, just like all the other Hermits had in their group chat. And he wanted to believe that he was still special, that there was something between them. He wanted to believe it so badly. But deep down he really knew he wasn’t. He was exactly like everyone else to Ren.  
Grian looked at the message again and his heart felt so weird, like it wanted to jump and ache at the same time.

  
<Ren> I love you so much, man. Talking to you is so much fun. I almost walked off a cliff because I couldn’t take my eyes off your message. I really wanna see you again.

Grian hesitated, his fingers twitching over the little keypad. He knew what he wanted to say, but at the same time he really didn’t. He wanted to drop hints so badly, but hints at what? That he was in love? But was he?

It was just so fucking confusing. They hadn’t even interacted all that much since he joined this world. Their bases were far apart and they only sometimes crossed paths in the shopping district. They mostly chatted in the group chat, and lately privately as well. How could you be in love with someone you had barely spent any time with?

He started typing.

<Grian> You know, I really love you too. I love talking to you. It’s weird to imagine a life before Hermitcraft now…

He sent the message. But he wasn’t happy with it yet. He felt the urge to say more, to drop some hint. An ‘I love you’ was so common in their chats, it had lost it’s deeper meaning. Everybody on the server said it.

‘You know… My friend Taurtis asked about us and I told him I would date you if you were into guys and I was here for longer than just this one season’

Grian stared at the words he had written for a while. He really wanted to send it, but he was scared of the way Ren might react. What if that went too far? It was nothing like a love confession. Ren might just take it as another of their overly affectionate talks and nothing more… But what if it made him uncomfortable? He didn’t want to lose the way they talked to each other so easily. Things might get awkward.

Grian leaned back against the tree, looking up at the little piece of sky he could see through the skylight of his aviary. The leaves and sky got a little blurry slowly, as his eyes filled with tears. Fuck. Why was he starting to cry again? He was so confused. This was all so confusing. He should know what he wanted.

He didn’t.

With every new message that Ren sent him, he hoped for some hint inside. Some hidden meaning. But at the same time he dreaded it. What if Ren was interested? Grian would be gone again after they were done in this world. He had only asked Xisuma to join them for one Season. He’d move on in a year. They’d be worlds apart. Was he ready to commit to something like that… And was it selfish to maybe hope that Ren would come with him?

Damn, he wasn’t a stupid lovestruck teenager anymore. He was old enough to have a grip on his emotions.

He took a deep breath. He’d been there before. And he could do this.

“I decide who I fall in love with”, Grian said in a quiet whisper, the words he had told himself so often, every time his heart had threatened to beat faster for someone. “If I don’t want to, I won’t fall for him. I won’t fall in love. I can’t… I’m done with love. I’m happy right now with the way things are.”

He looked back down at the communicator, his own message seemingly glaring back at him. But what if there was a chance? Would he take it? His finger hovered over the send button. He wanted to send it so badly.

He didn’t.

Instead he deleted it all again.

He wasn’t in love. He wasn’t. He wouldn’t allow himself to fall. He wasn’t ready to be disappointed. He had been disappointed too often. He had let himself fall, believing his crush was also interested, only to fall into a void of sadness. This time he wouldn’t let himself fall. He would keep pretending nothing was wrong. To Ren, he was just like the others. The love confessions to him were nothing special.

And he wasn’t in love.

Because he had decided he wasn’t.

But if he wasn’t, why wouldn’t the tears stop coming? Why did his heart hurt when he made that decision? Did he want to fall in love…?

No.

He had decided he didn’t want to. His heart should really stop trying to be so dramatic. This was real life and not some romance novel.

<Ren> Right back at you, my dude! Maybe you will change your mind and stay with us for longer than one season ;)

Grian sighed. His head was a mess. He wasn’t able to think clearly anymore. He… He was just tired. He was imagining things. He wasn’t really falling. He just needed a night of rest. Just one night and in the morning everything would look different again. He’d have a clear head once more. He’d be rational. He’d not be a crying mess over some stupid messages that meant nothing.

<Grian> I’m going to crash now. Talk to you tomorrow.

<Ren> I’m looking forward to it. Love you!

Without answering and with a heavy heart Grian put the communicator aside. One of his parrots hopped over, eyeing the device curiously and then decided that it wasn’t interesting enough, instead going for Grian’s lap, snuggling against him.

Grian closed his eyes. Tomorrow the world would be different. His future self would laugh at the mess he was right now.

Grian awoke when a felt a stinging sensation on his head. He opened his eyes to look at one of the little birds, trying to rip out some of his hairs, probably to build its nest. Grian gently pushed it away, which earned him an annoyed squawk.

He took out his communicator and looked at it. There were only a few new messages in their group chat. And suddenly he felt so stupid about the evening before. Why had he gotten so upset again? He was doing that to himself. He probably wanted to suffer. He cursed his brain for that. He got up, putting his parrot onto one of the low hanging branches. He still felt the urge to message Ren – to check if he really was over yesterday’s emotions. Or at least he told himself that was the reason every time a voice in his head suggested something else.

He flew down his base and stepped through the portal. He had a busy day ahead. They were about to update their world’s code in a few days and he’d need to work on Sahara a bit more. There was so much to prepare. He had no time to think about some stupid emotions.

Grian was in the middle of trimming the trees in Sahara’s courtyard, when a loud beep made him almost fall from the ladder with how fast he scrambled to get his communicator out. He berated himself for being that jumpy, but he couldn’t help it. When he looked down and saw Mumbo’s name flashing over his screen he gave a sad sigh and then stopped, eyes going wide. No! He so hadn’t been hoping for Ren to message him. No way!

He dropped a quick reply to Mumbo and then checked the group chat again. And there he was, Ren, throwing around words of love. Something rose up inside of Grian as he read about Ren gushing over Iskall and his style of building. It didn’t take him long to realise he was jealous. And with that realisation came a pressing amount of guilt. He loved Iskall dearly. He himself threw similar words at him all the time… Iskall deserved the love and praise. And Grian wasn’t in love anyways. His brain had no right to be jealous, because he and Ren? They were just friends and wouldn’t ever be anything more. He had decided that and his brain and heart were supposed to follow his decision.

He started typing a message of support into the group chat and the moment he sent it off, Ren greeted him, with a bunch of hearts and excitement.

<Ren> GRIAN! Have I told you today how much I love you already? Because I do! I love you!

Grian grimaced a little, sitting down on the top of the ladder, resting his head against the tree trunk. His chest felt tighter the moment he read that message. He had been over it. He was still over it. They were friends. And on Hermitcraft, this was what friendly interaction looked like.

<Grian> Love you too. But I gotta keep working now. The trees won’t cut themselves… at least not until Mumbo builds some redstone machine to do it.

<Grian> Also, Mumbo? If you read this, I’m kidding. Stop planning a tree cutting machine, it would ruin the way the Sahara yard looks like.

Mumbo only sent a frowny face into the group chat and immediately a round of friendly teasing started. Grian put the small device into his back pocket, returning to cutting the trees. So what if he was a bit rougher with the huge scissors than necessary? It meant nothing.

When he was finished he went back to his base building a bit on the pillars framing it, putting in his dwindling supply of white concrete. He really needed to use a different colour Palette one day. Maybe one that didn’t involve a block as grind-heavy as concrete. Maybe he should build a house out of wood once they went to the new part of the world. It had been a while since he had built something rustic. Taurtis would be shocked if he knew how modern all of Grian’s buildings looked.

Taurtis… Grian stopped what he was doing, looking at the sky in deep thought. He should really message Taurtis again. Talking to him always helped Grian figure out his emotions. Taurtis could make those doubts go away. He’d laugh and tell Grian he was being stupid and then Grian could move on and not feel so weird every time Ren declared his undying love for him in the chat. He just hoped Taurtis would really agree with him, that there was nothing going on. Because he didn’t know what he’d do ifTaurtis told him he had fallen for Ren.

He definitely hadn’t fallen for Ren. That was ridiculous. It would make far more sense to fall for Mumbo, who was his neighbour and with whom he shared so many projects. Or maybe fall in love with Taurtis, who had been his friend for years and who he planned to join again after this Season was over. Falling for Ren made no sense… And that was why he definitely hadn’t fallen. It all made sense. It was the only logical conclusion.

He didn’t love Ren as more than a friend. He never had and he never would.

Grian looked back at his communicator again. Back at another private message from Ren, asking him something and ending with another declaration of love.

<Grian> I know. Love you too.

<Ren> Forever and always?

Grian hesitated for a second. He was a bit too slow to stop his brain from wondering if there might be some intention behind Ren’s words. If he maybe was just as confused as Grian and tried to test the waters. Grian suppressed that voice as fast as it had spoken up.

<Grian> Sure! Forever and always! Love you so much!

Grian let out a frustrated noise, pressing a hand against his eyes. This was stupid. He should just outright ask Ren if he had feelings for him. When Ren said no it would be far easier to tell his brain to stop all of this. Maybe then his brain would stop imagining them kissing. Damn, now he had that image stuck in his head once more.

His bird made a worried sound and Grian let his hand drop again. “Don’t worry. Everything’s alright. He doesn’t like me that way and I don’t… I… What if I ask and he says he likes me? I don’t even know what I’d do then. I don’t love Ren”, Grian whispered to the bird, while gently caressing the feathers on its belly.

“Love Ren”, the bird repeated and Grian could feel heat rising to his face. This was so dumb. He was getting flustered by some bird repeating his own words. Maybe he just needed another huge project to stop himself from thinking about it.

Grian looked down from his house in Hermitville and grinned in excitement. He sat on the highest tower, able to look over all of Hermitville and beyond. He loved the crooked way he built it. He had been right to change up his block palette a little after the whole modern thing. His communicator beeped, and Grian tried. He really tried to resist it. But after another beep and a few more seconds he sighed, putting his shulker of wood away to have his hands free. Their shared chat hadn’t been that busy today and most of the messages had just been someone asking for coordinates or some blocks.

And every time Grian had hoped there’d be a message for him alone… But they were all busy building in this new place, discovering all the new things this part of the world offered them. And he didn’t drop any message either… He had thought about it. He had opened his private chat with Ren a few times in the last hours alone. He had stared at the ‘I love you’s from the past days, his fingers hovering over the keypad. He had never even entered one letter. He didn’t really have any reason to write to Ren. And no matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t think of a reason to start a conversation. Sure, Ren always told him he loved their conversations, and that Grian could always talk to him… But still. It felt weird.

Grian looked into the group chat and froze. Ren was finally in the chat. And why did he freeze up at that alone? This was so stupid. Grian took a breath and then read the message. It was the same as the rest, Ren was just asking for some blocks he needed and didn’t want to go way back for.

<Grian> I got some. You can come over any time!

Grian’s hand was shaking a little, as he was typing and he deleted the message again. He really shouldn’t. He needed the materials for himself. He really did. But he had the urge to just give them to Ren, if it meant the other would come over and talk to him.

Ren must have seen him typing something though, because there was an immediate reply.

<Ren> Grian! My man! My love! You got something for me?

And finally Grian felt brave enough to reply.

<Grian> Of course! You can pick them up at my place. You know I’d do anything for you!

<Ren> Anything?

Grian hesitated, staring at the message and his mind went wild. Anything? Oh fuck. What direction was Ren going with this? Was this some innuendo? Him flirting? Could Ren be interested after all? Grian’s heart was beating in his throat when he wrote back.

<Grian> Yes. Anything.

And then he waited. His heart was racing. He let himself fall back, lying on the rooftop and looking at the sky. He was getting nervous now. What if Ren had really meant something more with that. What if Ren was about to ask him on a date or something. Oh god he wasn’t ready for that. He had told himself that he wouldn’t… But when he had sent Ren that message, it had mostly been his heart speaking, not his brain and he had meant it. Whatever Ren would ask of him next, Grian would love to hand it to him on a silver platter. But his mind was screaming at him not to. Play it off as a joke if Ren really asked. And why was it taking Ren so long to reply? What did he need to write to that?

There was a beep, but Grian didn’t move. He didn’t feel ready, when just a second ago he had been so impatient.

Grian took a deep breath, calming his nerves. There was nothing to be nervous about. Nothing. He finally looked back down and opened the message.

<Ren> You know that is almost as good as an IOU note, right? You should be more careful with how you phrase things! But I already know what I want. Take a break. You’ve been building like crazy. You need to take care better of yourself Grian! Don’t overwork yourself! The competition you got going on is all fun and games until one of you guys faints. I love you, man, but I think you also need to love yourself more!

Grian’s heart stopped beating so fast and why did he suddenly feel disappointed? What had he wanted Ren to say? What had he expected? He let out a joyless laugh. He wanted to scream, wanted to cry. He wanted to throw the communicator off the rooftop and watch it crash on the ground below. And at the same time he wanted to be glad that this hadn’t went into a certain direction. Because if Ren had tried to flirt, Grian would have broken his heart… Because he wasn’t in love with Ren, right?

It took a few seconds to calm himself down again.

<Grian> I can’t promise that. It’s hard, you know? I get so lost in building I don’t even realise it’s already so late.

<Ren> Grian, please. For me?

<Grian> I promise that I’ll try. I can’t promise more than that. But I’ll try for you, alright? For me that is a lot!

<Ren> That’s perfect. I love you so very much! I wish you could love yourself just as much as I love you!

Grian did throw the communicator off the roof after that message. He didn’t know why he did that. He really didn’t. He had thought it would satisfy him, but as he watched the little device shatter on the ground, only to immediately respawn in his hands, he only felt hollow inside.

He really needed to speak with somebody about all of this. But who? Taurtis was busy at the moment. Then there was Mumbo or Iskall. But how much was Grian willing to share with them? Sure, they had become great friends in the comparably short time Grian had spent in this world… But they were also friends with Ren and that might make it weird.

And what if Ren also talked to them about it? What if they knew for a fact that Ren was or wasn’t interested. What if they told him what Grian had suspected all along? That Ren was 100 percent straight and wouldn’t be interested in Grian because of that.

And why the fuck did Grian think he’d be disappointed again?

“Grian! My dude! Down here!”

Grian jumped when he heard the voice and his heart seemed to jump along, almost leaving his body the way it raced. Right, the materials he had promised to Ren! He had almost forgotten about that.

He did his best to compose himself, getting up only to realise that his cheeks were still a little wet. Damn. He hurriedly wiped the remaining tears off with the sleeve of his jumper. He was really lucky that Ren had walked over here instead of coming by Eytra and maybe landing right next to him.

Grian smiled and waved down before jumping off the roof. He had planned to land next to Ren, but a sudden gust of wind changed his flight direction and he landed right in Ren’s outstretched arms. They looked at each other and Ren chuckled. Grian felt a blush rising to his cheeks at that sound, hurriedly taking a step back. But he couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips.

“I would have never thought that the day would ever come, when I needed to catch the server’s best flyer.”

Grian rolled his eyes, casting a fond glance towards Ren, before walking to his door. “You know you didn’t really have to catch me? I would have landed gracefully if you hadn’t stood there.”

“Well I like hugging you. So that was better than just stepping aside. You know, I love you.”

Grian faltered as he pressed the handle, almost falling forward with the door. Ren’s love declarations were nothing new. He read them daily, but hearing him say it was always even more jarring. And Grian felt so hesitant to return them then. In chat it was more casual, more meaningless. Speaking those actual words? It had been easier a while ago. When had that changed? When had he felt his throat close up at the thought of saying a little ‘I love you’ out loud?

“I know”, he just replied, voice quiet and he hoped Ren wouldn’t notice the little tremble in it. he felt stupid for it. He felt stupid for being unable to say those words when it had never been a problem. He had been able to say them to Ren. he was still able to say them to all the other Hermits. It was just a phrase. It didn’t have to be romantic. There were many forms of love after all…

Ren didn’t seem to notice his little hesitance as they entered the house. Grian tried to keep his hands busy, painfully aware of the others presence right behind him. Ren kept on talking, but Grian wasn’t able to concentrate on the words, hearing that deep, rumbly voice, listening to those little chuckles, it drove him insane. He hurriedly got the materials out and put them into a shulker box.

“There you go”, Grian finally said as he turned to Ren, doing his best, to push all of those unwelcome thoughts down. He managed until Ren smiled at him, eyes lighting up, almost sparkling in excitement and then there were arms around Grian. His face was pressed into Ren’s chest and he could feel the heat radiating off of him. He gasped in surprise and instantly Ren’s scent seemed to be all around him.

“Thank you so much! You don’t know how much you’re helping me! I sort of misplaced my Elytra and I really don’t want to walk all the way back to my original base”, Ren said and as he was speaking, he kept a tight hold on Grian, one of his hands almost gently caressing Grian’s back. And Grian didn’t know what to say or do. Did Ren even realise what he was doing to Grian? Did Ren know what was going on inside of him? Grian could feel the walls he had built in his mind crumbling. He felt weak in the embrace, as if his muscles didn’t work anymore. Maybe this was okay. Maybe it was alright to let himself go. Maybe he finally found someone… Maybe this time he wasn’t imagining things. Maybe this time he was actually loved.

  
His hands twitched. He wanted to return the hug. He really did. He raised his hands slowly.

“Dude, you are a true friend! One of the best friends someone could ask for.”

Grian felt the walls snap back into place, stronger even then before and he let his hands drop again. He felt like someone had emptied a bucket of ice cold water over him.

"No worries, Ren. I got your back. But I have to get back to Sahara. We got a meeting there soon.” With those words Grian stepped back out of the embrace, smiling tightly at Ren. “I got no time for our chit chat today. Sorry.”

Ren looked a bit disappointed, but then smiled at Grian and nodded, before giving him a little salute. “Thanks again for those blocks. I’ll put them to good use. And I’ll return the favour. Just tell me if you ever need anything, alright?”

Grian just nodded and watched Ren leave his little house. He still felt crowded. Even when he was alone. His body was suddenly set to auto pilot, as if he was moving on muscle memory alone. His legs took him to the portal and then he was flying through the tunnels. No time at all seemed to pass until he was back at his old base and then back to the aviary. And then his feet touched the ground… and he became undone. He fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face. All of his parrots were fluttering around him, roused from his sudden fall.

Grian should have known it all along. He had known it. And he had already decided that he didn’t love Ren. Then why did it hurt so much? Why did his heart feel like someone was holding it in an iron grip? He didn’t love Ren. He didn’t. He never had. So what if Ren saw him as nothing more than a friend? That was alright, that was what he had hoped for. And still… He couldn’t stop feeling like he had wished for a different ending. Maybe, just maybe his mind wasn’t the one calling the shots after all. Maybe he had been lying to himself all alone, thinking he could decide not to be in love. He had been such a fool.

He was shaking, more tears rushing to his eyes and then he raised his head to the sky and screamed. He screamed until he was out of breath and then he just sat there, his head tilted backwards, looking at the ceiling, tears running over his cheeks.

He was in love.

He was in love and it was hopeless.


	2. Chapter 2

They were sitting in the Hippie Camp around the Campfire. Him, Impulse... and Ren. Most of the time they were too busy for him to be thinking about any emotions. The close proximity still was hard on Grian. It should have gotten better ever since he realised that he had no chance. He had hoped so badly that he could just move on. But then Ren said or did something that would make him wonder once again. Maybe he had a shot after all. Maybe Ren wasn't exclusively into women... And maybe Ren was also a little bit into him?   
Until he heard Ren talk to others in the exact same tone, giving them the same compliments, showering them in love and Grian's heart always fell. He should just stop hoping. It was making him bitter when Ren was just being so wholesome around everyone else. He hated himself for it. The hermits were his friends and each and every one deserved all the love in the world. And Grian had gotten used to giving out compliments freely to all of them as well. It was just a little different when he spoke to Ren. The compliments always came from a different place in his heart. The 'I love you's always carried a completely different meaning and none of the others knew that he meant something completely different while talking to Ren.

  
Grian tried to take his eyes off of Ren. He was pretty sure that Impulse was getting suspicious. Or was that also his imagination?

  
So far he hadn't said anything to Grian. But Grian felt so obvious, like everybody reading their messages, everybody watching them interact, could tell he had feelings for Ren.

  
Ren raised his head from the guitar, looking at Grian and smiling brightly. And Grian could feel his heart give a flutter, his cheeks warming... Until Ren turned to Impulse and gave him exactly the same smile. It was frustrating to say the least. Why did his brain try to give him hope over and over again? He was a rational person. He knew it was hopeless. He knew Ren didn't love him back. He had made that mistake before... Falling for a straight guy and thinking there was maybe some hope. Why was he suffering through it all over again?

  
Ren stopped strumming the guitar, looking into the fire in deep thought, but then smiling again. "Oh yeah, I got it. I’ve got a nice song for you guys. It really shows how much I love you."

  
Ren started to play, humming softly along. When he opened his mouth to sing it took Grian's breath away. His voice was like an angel's. Grian couldn't believe that it was even possible to have a voice this pretty. That voice alone seemed to make all his worries and problems fade away. The softness of the song seemed to caress Grian's mind and tell him that everything was alright.

  
As Ren went on, Grian started to pay attention to the words and suddenly realised that Ren was singing a love song. The moment that realisation hit him, his heart started racing and he fell down that little rabbit hole of hope again. What if Ren had picked that song for him? Was he maybe looking at Grian more often than Impulse or was it his imagination? Was Ren maybe just as scared as he was and trying to tell him about his feelings through a song?

  
‘ _Don't’_ , Grian thought. ‘ _Don't fall for that again_.’ 

  
He was going to hurt himself. He felt his hand tremble a little and he could feel the all too familiar sting in his eyes. He closed his eyes, willing the tears to stay inside. Not now. Not in front of Ren and Impulse. Why did his heart have to betray him so much?

  
Ren's voice suddenly dropped to some low notes, sending a shiver through Grian's whole body, his heart beating loudly. Grian couldn't help it. He hated every second of it and loved it so much at the same time. He wasn't sure if he wanted this to stop or to go on forever. And when he wasn't looking Grian could imagine that Ren was only singing to him, that Ren really wanted Grian to be with him, that Ren really loved him

  
"I'm yours. I'm yours right now", Ren finished the song and Grian opened his eyes only to look directly into Ren's. And his gaze was so intense. Grian suddenly had the feeling he needed to run away. Because Ren still smiled at him the way he smiled everytime... the same way he smiled at everyone.

  
Grian smiled as well, pushing those darker thoughts aside. He had wanted this song to be about him so badly. He still hoped that there had been some hidden meaning behind Ren picking that song, but that was just stupid wishful thinking. He really should get more realistic. In the end he was only going to hurt himself with that attitude.

  
"That was really good. I love your voice. You sing so well", Grian complimented Ren and the smile on the other's face brightened even more and Grian knew that as long as he got smiles like that... Well maybe it didn't really matter if Ren loved him or not. Maybe he'd be alright with just enjoying the time he spent with Ren.

  
"Thank you, Grian. Singing for you guys is so much fun. I really should have tried out this hippie life sooner?"

  
Grian tried not to let his mood fall when Ren said he was singing for both of them. He needed to try to stay positive. Negative thinking didn't help him one bit. But as he was trying to get his thoughts to calm down he also got the feeling he really needed to talk to someone about it. The longer he kept this secret inside, the more it tore him apart. The more he doubted whether what he was feeling was real or if he was just imagining it because of the way Ren talked to him.

  
Grian glanced to Impulse, deep in thought. Yeah maybe someone who was this close to both of them could help him out. Or just listen to him rant on, because honestly? That was probably what he needed the most right now. Someone that would listen to him. And maybe along the way he'd gain some bravery.

  
So Grian waited, hoping that today Ren would be the first one to leave so he'd have some alone time with Impulse. The sun had already set and Grian was about to give up for today, when Ren rose to his feet.

  
"Alright. I'm off to bed then. I love you guys. Don't stay up too late, we got a lot of building to do tomorrow."

  
Impulse looked up at him and nodded. "Love you too. Sleep tight, buddy."

  
Ren's eyes turned to Grian. Grian who stayed silent, his brain trying to find the right words to say. He cleared his throat and then mumbled a half hearted "Good night" out. Ren gave him a weird look, but then smiled and waved, before returning to his trailer.

  
The door behind Ren had barely closed, when Impulse turned to him, looking at him in mild irritation. “What was that all about, Grian?”

  
“What?” Grian‘s voice was so high, it sounded foreign to his own ears. But the thought that he was that obvious frightened him. Did Impulse already know? Did Ren know?

  
“You! Did you and Ren have a fight? Did he make your flower crown too tight or something? It‘s not like you to be like that. You are usually the first one to jump at the opportunity to flirt with Ren.”

  
“F-flirt?”

  
“Oh you know what I mean. Ren‘s little friendly love declarations. You two are usually all buddy buddy.”

  
Grian finally realised that Impulse didn‘t in fact know about his feelings and Grian wasn‘t sure whether to be disappointed or glad. Impulse knowing would have really made it easier but it would have also meant that Grian was fucking obvious with his emotions.

  
“I… I‘m just in a weird mood, sorry. Don‘t know. It‘s… complicated.” Grian took off his flower crown, fidgeting around with the little leaves. Damn, why was he so nervous? This wasn‘t even Ren. No matter what he said, he wouldn‘t be rejected. Why was his heart racing so much? 

  
“Well that happens sometimes”, Impulse said, searching Grian‘s face for something more. 

  
“Impulse…” Grian stopped and kept playing with the flowers, looking everywhere but his friends' eyes. “I really shouldn‘t let my mood get down. I have a lot of fun with you guys here. You are so nice and I‘m glad we took you in. And Ren is… He is-” Grian stopped, at a loss of words, but a small smile was on his lips, when his fingers gently caressed the flower crown that Ren had given to him earlier that day.

  
“Grian, are you… Are you in love with Ren?”

  
Grian smile faded and he gave a little shrug. “It‘s easy to fall for him, you know? He is just so nice and amazing. He is talented and he shows his love so openly. He makes me so happy with just a few words. But he does that to everyone…”

  
“Did you talk with him about it?”, Impulse asked and Grian flinched, eyes widening at the thought alone.

  
He shook his head and Impulse sighed.

  
“I… I can‘t. He doesn‘t like me that way. I‘m pretty sure and I don‘t want to ruin what we have. I don‘t want things to become awkward between us. I like things the way they are. I don‘t need him to love me back. I‘m content with what I have.“ Grian shrugged helplessly. His voice sounded so unconvincing, but who was he trying to fool? He really wasn‘t happy with how things were at the moment. He wanted more. He needed more. And at the same time he was so scared for things to change between them and it was weird.

  
“Grian. You gotta talk with him. He might like you. The way he talks to you…”

  
“Is not different from how he talks to everyone else. You see how many love confessions he drops on a daily basis. I‘m just one of them. It‘s just the way he talks. And I was stupid enough to get dragged in by those love declarations. My heart was so dumb to feel like he was actually meaning it when he was talking to me. But I‘m not… I‘m not special.”

  
“You are right”, Impulse said, and Grian‘s heart hurt a little before the other continued. “He tells everyone he loves them… But I think it‘s different when he‘s talking to you. I can‘t say I know what‘s going on inside that head of his, but it isn‘t completely hopeless. And if you don‘t talk to him you‘ll never know. You have to be a bit braver on this one.”

  
“He might hate me…”

  
“Oh hell, he won‘t hate you, but it might turn out he loves you as well. So I‘d say that‘s a risk worth taking.”

  
Grian raised his head, feeling hopeful again at Impulse‘s words. And wasn‘t that unfair? He‘d done his best to tell himself that there was no Happy End in store for him. He had come to accept it… Or he was on the way to acceptance. At least he was way past denial now. And then Impulse just… He made it sound so easy. He made it sound like such a little thing. And maybe it was, but thinking about it alone made Grian so nervous he wanted to vomit.

  
“I… I don‘t think I can. I‘m not good with that. Feelings and all that stuff. I… It never worked really well for me. The last few times I confessed, they said it wouldn‘t change a thing between us and then things got weird and we stopped talking. I don‘t want that to happen with Ren. He‘s too special for that. I‘d rather still have him as a friend than lose him.”

  
Impulse made a thoughtful noise and nodded in understanding and Grian almost thought that was it. Their conversation would end like that. But he didn’t

  
“I get that, Grian. I really do. But… What if he likes you back? What if he is just as scared as you are to confess. And even if he doesn't... Wouldn't it be better to know? Because I've noticed the way you behave lately. You aren't as happy anymore. Even if you pretend that you're okay with the way things are right now, you are not. You need to clear things up. And if it doesn't work out, I'll be there for you. We'll crack some bottles open and you can cry on my shoulder. And if he behaves awkwardly around you after I'll beat some sense into him."

  
Grian let out a giggle, but the giggle turned into a slight hiccup as tears started flowing down his face. Why was he crying now? This was so stupid. But as Impulse moved over and warm arms encompassed him, Grian couldn't stop the flow of tears. He buried his face in Impulse's shirt and just cried, a soft hand moving up and down his back, until he had calmed down.

  
"You better?"

  
Grian sniffed but then nodded. "Thanks", he said, his voice a bit rough from the crying and oh, was he glad that the lights had already gone off in Ren's trailer. He wouldn't want him to walk into them like this. He didn't want Ren to see him like this. And he really did feel better. It was weird. But Impulse had made him believe that there might just be a chance for them. He suddenly felt like he could do it, even when he didn't have the words yet.

  
The following days were both better and worse on Grian. Now that he had decided to tell Ren about his feelings he was even more nervous than he had been before. Every time they talked Grian wanted to burst out his love declarations, but he held back. His heart was beating fast constantly and he was sick of it. He just wanted this to be over, but he still didn't know how to do it. He still didn't know which words to use. They were declaring love to each other so often the words had probably lost all of their meaning. They were sitting around the campfire again and Grian kept staring at Ren who was playing the guitar.

  
Impulse had elbowed him in the side a few times, but he hadn't been able to do it. And how could he?

  
"I'm gonna leave", Impulse finally said, sounding almost annoyed and then turned to Grian, giving him a very pointed glance. "Have fun. Behave. I’ll be in my trailer if anyone needs me for whatever reason."

  
And Grian knew what Impulse wanted him to do. He knew what he should do. But would he be able to do it? He wanted to beg Impulse to stay and at the same time he hoped that being alone with Ren finally gave him the bravery to speak up.

  
Ren just smiled and waved at Impulse, taking another sip of his bear before starting another song on the guitar. And Grian immediately recognised the melody, his heart racing in his chest.

  
"I've been a dirty bastard, but I will clean my act up..." and as Ren sang, Grian just stared at him, feeling his heart hurting as Ren sang about love. And Grian wanted it to be about him. He wanted it so bad.

  
And then Ren's eyes were on him and his gaze was so intense as he kept singing. "I finally found you. The one I've been waiting for. I finally found you. I'd already stopped looking for."

  
Grian couldn't take his eyes off of Ren. His mouth slightly agape, his face felt hot, his heart was racing. He felt like he was drowning and flying at the same time. If he could stop time he'd do it right now, to just stay in this moment forever. Just to have this moment never stop. He wanted to listen to Ren sing that song over and over and over again. And then the last notes of the guitar faded as Ren hummed softly, smiling at Grian.

  
Grian wanted to say something. This was the perfect moment. This was the moment he had been waiting for. And this song could only mean one thing, right? Or was he just overreacting? Was he thinking too much into it? He hesitated. He didn't know what to say.

  
Ren sighed, averting his gaze, putting the guitar down and the moment was gone.

  
"I'm gonna head to bed as well, Grian. You should too." Ren stood up and looked at him, as if he was searching for something. "Love ya, Grian."

  
"I... I know. Sleep well, Ren."

  
Ren nodded and with a sigh he turned away, walking to his RV. The door fell shut and with it Grian let himself fall backwards onto the ground, looking up at the stars in the sky. Why couldn‘t things be easier? Why did he still hesitate? Hadn‘t he already decided to tell Ren so he could get this whole thing over with?

  
Why was it so hard to find the courage? Why couldn't real life be like those romance novels where you simply did some grand romantic gesture and your true love would fall into your arms.

  
Wait… Grand romantic gesture? Maybe something like that could work. He was at least good at grand things, albeit mostly pranks. Maybe this time he could put his energy to something more useful than starting a war. And maybe preparing something was easier than talking face to face. He already had an idea in mind of what he could do. With a satisfied smile he closed his eyes, for the first time in a long while sleeping peacefully without any doubts keeping his mind from falling asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

It took Grian a few days and he felt emotionally drained each time he was done. He felt like he was pouring all of his feelings and emotions into this and maybe it wasn‘t really healthy. Mumbo and Iskall would probably frown at him if they knew how much sleep he missed over getting everything done. Impulse had dropped by a few times, cheering Grian on, making him believe that this might really work out.

To say Grian was nervous would be an understatement. He had the coordinates already typed into his communicator in a private chat with Ren, but he kept pulling his finger from the send button.

“Oh come on! Just do it! You really need to know! Or should I press it for you?“ Grian turned to look at Impulse, who was still with him, just in case he needed some mental support. And Grian was kind of glad he was here. Especially when he realised that while turning around to Impulse he had accidentally hit the send button. Well, that gave him one less thing to worry about…

Wait! Fuck! He had sent it and Ren was going to come over and that meant he‘d know, which meant Grian was maybe minutes or hours away from being gently let down. Oh god, he wasn‘t ready. He really wasn‘t ready.   
Impulse started laughing at Grian’s panicked face and when Grian glared at him that laugh made room for a fond smile. “It’ll be alright, Grian. And I’ll be here with you all the way, okay? No matter what happens tonight, you still got me, don't forget that. I might not be as cuddly as Ren, but Zed always tells me I give one hell of a hug."

Grian looked at Impulse and just like that his heart seemed to calm down at least a bit and he felt like he could actually do this. So what if Ren wasn't feeling the same way? What if Ren only liked him as a friend. He liked his friendship with Ren. Staying friends wouldn't be the end of the world and he'd be finally able to move on from those feelings that had been getting him down lately. He'd be able to go back to his comfortable single life that he had never wanted to leave anyways.

"Yeah I guess it's alright. I'm just... nervous. This isn't some romance novel. Stupid grand romantic gestures never work in real life." Grian laughed joylessly and pushed a few loose strands of hair out of his face. "But that's alright. And I won't be here forever anyways. The season is coming to an end soon, I can tell. I don't have much longer with you guys."

"You know you could ask Xisuma to-"

"I know. I could. I won't. I've got friends waiting for me to return. I can't just stay here. And if he's saying no there's no reason for me to stay here anyways. Not that I don't like all of you guys... But yeah. I think I'm not ready to fully commit yet. And moving on will definitely be easier once I'm off world."

Impulse looked at him sadly and Grian avoided his gaze. Mumbo and Iskall had already tried to convince him to stay as well. Heck, even Taurtis - who he was supposed to return to after Hermitcraft was done - kept urging him on to stay, to find happiness.

"Can we not talk about this while I'm freaking out about getting my heart broken?"

Impulse sighed once more and put an arm over Grian's shoulder, pulling him into a half hug. "I'm sure it’ll work out. Don't worry too much. It doesn't help anyways."

Grian nodded and, taking a deep breath stepped back once more. "So you saw what I did, right? You think he'll get it?"

Impulse laughed again, shaking his head. "Grian. He will know. Dude. You practically turned your Infinity room into a love confession."

Grian blushed a little as his mind went to the small room below his base, thousands of blocks away. It had taken him forever, but armed with some black dye and a brush he'd poured out his love over the walls. The room had been turned into a corridor, and with the help of a few armour stands (Cleo had luckily agreed to teach him a few things about creating them) it now told their story and the way Grian had fallen. Or well... He'd put it more in terms of Red Riding Hood falling for the Wolf. He would have felt weird putting his own face onto those armour stands and his own name into the story.

But he was sure Ren would get it. Hell, there were lines out of their private conversations written over the wall. He would get it... wouldn't he?

A loud beep rang from his communicator and Grian almost dropped it in a hurry to get it out.

<Ren> I'm there now! I'm very excited for the surprise!

"Oh... Oh fuck. I don't know if I'm ready for this", Grian mumbled and then kept walking in circles around the campfire, Impulse's eyes following him. He couldn't handle this. Minutes passed and every noise made him jump as he anticipated the communicator going off.

The longer it went on, the more nervous Grian got. After ten minutes he had taken off his flower crown and started fidgeting around with it, leaves and pallets dropping to the ground. His hands were shaking, he needed to keep them busy. Ren sure as hell must have finished by now, right? He couldn't still be in the room. Why was it taking so long? Maybe he wasn't getting the message after all? No, if that was the case he would have messaged Grian by now. That left only two options. Either Ren was still down there and looking at Grian's work or he knew exactly what it was about and didn't know how to let Grian down gently. The last option was way more likely.

Another ten minutes seemed to pass by agonizingly slow and Grian knew he was a nervous mess. He couldn't handle this pressure. He just couldn't. 

Finally, his communicator beeped. A message. He just knew it was from Ren without even having to look at the display. A second ago he had thought he wanted nothing more than to see a message, now he was frozen, unable to even look at the tiny screen. His heart was racing, he was sweating and he had the urge to vomit.

It took him a minute or two to calm down enough, but his fingers were still shaking when he opened up the communicator and then Ren‘s message.

<Ren> Grian? You there?

Grian was pretty sure by now he was going to vomit. Why had he thought again this might be a good idea? It wasn‘t. It had never been. Ren surely had gotten the message going from just those two sentences. And now? Was he really ready for this?

He just knew what was coming. Ren would let him down, trying to be gentle, but still crushing his heart in the progress. It had always been like this. Sam, Taurtis, Mumbo… It had always been the same. He had fallen hard and thought he might have a chance only to be disappointed once more. Only for them to tell him that he was such a nice guy and a good friend, but really, there was nothing there. No feelings.

Despite that, Grian replied. He still had Impulse to cry to later. He needed to get this done - rip it off like a bandaid.

<Grian> Yeah.

<Ren> You know I‘m a coward sometimes and a bit dumb…

Grian had to giggle a bit at that though he felt like sobbing even more, his heart racing. 

<Ren> But I was really wondering if this thing you made for me… Is it based on real life?

Grian‘s hands were shaking so much he could barely type a reply. He settled on something short instead of some long winded explanation.

<Grian> Yes. Sorry.

Grian put the communicator down again, closing his eyes, taking a few deep and shaking breaths. He wanted to turn back time. He didn‘t want to be in this situation he had put himself in. It was frightening. It was all too much. Why had he done this to himself? He wasn‘t brave enough to face the disappointment. He wasn‘t ready to have his heart broken once more and watch Ren be happy with someone else. He couldn‘t bear it. Not again. Especially not with Ren.

There was no reply. No beeping noise. Nothing.

Grian knew what that meant. After all, there was only one logical explanation. Ren didn‘t return his feelings. He had put Ren into a corner, pressured him to reply to his feelings and now Ren opted to not say anything at all. Minutes passed without anything at all happening.

Grian gave a sigh, feeling his heart rate return to normal, a cold feeling spreading in his chest as he typed the next message. 

<Grian> I like you. A lot. More than a friend should. But if you don‘t, that is totally fine and I‘m totally chill with that. No worries, really. No pressure.

His communicator stayed silent again for a long time. Grian kept staring at it, tears forming in his eyes and then slowly dropping down onto his hands. This had been so stupid. He didn‘t deserve to be loved by someone as bright and amazing as Ren. Ren could have anyone on the server, so why should he even settle for Grian. It had been dumb to think all those love declarations meant something special. They never did. He had been delusional, blinded by his love.

The communicator beeped and knowing that it would be something to let him down gently, Grian steeled himself to read the message.

<Ren> Goibve mee a mimute. Flyng rn.

Grian looked at the jumbled message for a few times, blinking in confusion. Ren was… flying? What was that supposed to even mean?

And just when it slowly dawned on Grian what it meant, there was already the sound of exploding rockets fired in a far quicker succession than absolutely necessary drawing closer. Nobody would waste resources like that unless it was an absolute emergency.

Grian raised his head and the moment he did something or rather someone collided with him at such a high speed they both fell to the floor. Luckily enough, the landing was rather soft with the grass below them. Warm arms wrapped around Grian, his face buried in someone neck and just taking a short breath he felt a familiar scent filling him.

Still, Grian felt hesitant about returning the hug until Ren drew back a little, arms staying around Grian, but now able to look at him. And his eyes were shining brighter than Grian had ever seen them.

“Ren, what- Why did you come?”

“Of course I’d come.” Ren let out a laugh and the way it made his eyes just sparkle more made Grian’s heart skip a beat. “After what you did - what you said.”

“Does that mean-” Grian started, but broke off, his throat suddenly feeling tight, his heart only racing faster as all the hope he’d constantly pushed down rose up all at once, overwhelming him. This was it. This was the moment of truth and he was more hopeful than he‘d ever been before. Surely Ren wouldn‘t have come over if he wanted to let Grian down, right?

“I’m feeling the same way. I love you. I want to be with you.”

Grian couldn’t help it. All his emotions came out all at once and with a small giggle a tear slipped down his face as well. He was just too happy.

“I love you too, Ren. So very much. I’ve loved you for so long. I just… I didn’t think this would happen. I don’t even know where to go from here. Can I-” Grian stopped, licking his lips and looking up at Ren. “Can I kiss you?”   
  
And when their lips met Grian was glad he had stopped hiding how he truly felt, glad that he hadn’t kept on pretending until it was too late. This was perfect. This was what he had always dreamed off and he wanted this moment to go on forever.


End file.
